To Process Evil and get back to the Good.

(written the early am hours after hearing about the murder of Charlie Kirk. )

 September 11 1:27 am Linda Mae Baldwin

I hear the bad news, the awful news, the – I can’t believe people can perpetuate such evil – news and I do not pray.

I do not say gracious things like – Father forgive them for they know not what they do…. or….they need Jesus, we should pray.

No, my first reaction is wholly human, anger, tears, doubt and sadness, maybe a cuss word or two.

My social media posts don’t read as if there are gentle butterflies flitting about, but more like angry yellow jackets zipping in and around words.  Coherent thoughts fail me. I usually have plenty to say, but in these dark moments most of what is roaring through my head should stay right there.

I do not really care that my reactions might offend others or shock others or bring judgement on me – no one can judge me harsher than I judge myself. No, what I battle with, is why my response is so human. Fleshy. I honor God. I love Jesus and live my life as his apprentice or disciple, the Holy Spirit and I are closely connected, so why isn’t my response less dark? More light? Less telly? More gentle whispers? Why aren’t I saying forgive them? Or, it’s ok, he’s with Jesus now. Or, even I’m going to pray for the murderers.

I wish my responses were like that, IMMEDIATELY. Instead, I tumble through a rainbow of dark colored feelings AND then shame myself for being too human AND then I will pray.

It’s as if my mind has to first process the evil into some sort of thing to be wrestled with, kneaded and thrown – then I can handle that and configure it into a less weighty thing that doesn’t make my soul feel blistered and I will pray.

I imagine the fact that I can go through the processing of such evil and not get stuck there, means that Jesus is involved…even though I can’t feel his presence. It might take me awhile to get to trusting and forgiving, but I will get there – eventually.

No matter the chaos in this wicked cesspool temporary world – we know, I know, he does love – me, and just like in the garden he seeks me, he wants to walk with me. Even when I am not acting like his child. Even when we doubt, even when we’re silent – the only sounds are angry words and sobs.

So, I begin the process of moving through this evil…knowing that although I feel lonesome, I am not alone.

I know I don’t have to shame myself because my first response is not lofty words or high ideas with pillow like comfort…because, I’m going to get to the response my soul needs: Jesus said to forgive, to pray, to love…I’m just going to get to the good the hard way.

And, I’m ok with that.