(written the early am hours after hearing about the murder of Charlie Kirk. )
September 11 1:27 am Linda Mae Baldwin
I hear the bad news, the awful news, the – I can’t believe people can perpetuate such evil – news and I do not pray.
I do not say gracious things like – Father forgive them for they know not what they do…. or….they need Jesus, we should pray.
No, my first reaction is wholly human, anger, tears, doubt and sadness, maybe a cuss word or two.
My social media posts don’t read as if there are gentle butterflies flitting about, but more like angry yellow jackets zipping in and around words. Coherent thoughts fail me. I usually have plenty to say, but in these dark moments most of what is roaring through my head should stay right there.
I do not really care that my reactions might offend others or shock others or bring judgement on me – no one can judge me harsher than I judge myself. No, what I battle with, is why my response is so human. Fleshy. I honor God. I love Jesus and live my life as his apprentice or disciple, the Holy Spirit and I are closely connected, so why isn’t my response less dark? More light? Less telly? More gentle whispers? Why aren’t I saying forgive them? Or, it’s ok, he’s with Jesus now. Or, even I’m going to pray for the murderers.
I wish my responses were like that, IMMEDIATELY. Instead, I tumble through a rainbow of dark colored feelings AND then shame myself for being too human AND then I will pray.
It’s as if my mind has to first process the evil into some sort of thing to be wrestled with, kneaded and thrown – then I can handle that and configure it into a less weighty thing that doesn’t make my soul feel blistered and I will pray.
I imagine the fact that I can go through the processing of such evil and not get stuck there, means that Jesus is involved…even though I can’t feel his presence. It might take me awhile to get to trusting and forgiving, but I will get there – eventually.
No matter the chaos in this wicked cesspool temporary world – we know, I know, he does love – me, and just like in the garden he seeks me, he wants to walk with me. Even when I am not acting like his child. Even when we doubt, even when we’re silent – the only sounds are angry words and sobs.
So, I begin the process of moving through this evil…knowing that although I feel lonesome, I am not alone.
I know I don’t have to shame myself because my first response is not lofty words or high ideas with pillow like comfort…because, I’m going to get to the response my soul needs: Jesus said to forgive, to pray, to love…I’m just going to get to the good the hard way.
As I start to write this, I’m 11 weeks post spinal fusion surgery. (TLIF) I’ll tell ya, this arthritis, that is slowly destroying my bones/joints is unpleasant. The medical folk refer to it as a degenerative bone disease. Seems like and overly weighted description to me, but after a shoulder replacement, a reverse shoulder replacement, one knee partial replacement and, now, a spine with a wonked out vertebrae slipping forward, (spondylolisthesis), along with developing scoliosis and faucets growing on most of the vertebrae in my spine.
The condition wasn’t helped with steroid shots, physical therapy or meds, so surgery it is – if I could continue working the farm. We had multiple decompressions and the TLIF (Transforaminal Lumbar Interbody Fusion) surgery (spinal fusion where they shoved the rebellious vertebrae back in it’s proper spot, screw it in and add some kind of something that will grow around it making it one with the spine.)
This was the most painful recovery I’ve had. I also had alonger stay in the hospital than anticiapted because my drain would not comply and kept filling up. Also, I had an absolute terrible nurse, who was uncaring, and totally not willing to do her job. When it came down to it, I had to report her. The other nurse I encountered after I had a run in with the neglegent nurse (who was very unconcerned about a bout of incontinece caused by a higher does of muscle relaxer than necessary) the next nurse met a woefully sobbing me. We had to report her to the head nurse. But, anyways, always be an advocate for yourself, is what I learned
.I’m not sure if it’s because I’m older or because it was the spine or what…but that first week at home was awful…I had to assure my husband it was ok to not pay attention to the noises I was making because they were absolutely involuntary….also, don’t pay attention to the crying – also involuntary. He was sweet and prayed for me often, but was worried all the same.
The instructions after surgery are to not BLT (Bend, lift or twist) for quite awhile – my surgeon said it could take up to a year to be ‘normal’ but by 6 months I should be able to BLT again. In preparation for the recovery, my husband and I went to the nursery and bought some starts for our raised garden bed. The idea was, being 64, I pretty much know myself and understand I’m pretty lazy and prone to like comfort. So, if I had these starts that would HAVE to get planted, I’d make the walk to the garden every day after planting them. The pain was so absolutely unbearable there was no way I could get out there to water things let alone plant things. My husband still works fulltime and is a late evening/weekend rancer so we called in some help.
One grand came out for the weekend and helped my husband get the starts in the ground so the money wasn’t wasted! Garden saved!
Eventually I was able to cast aside the walker but my smart watch kept warning me that my walking was unstable and I was in danger of falling. There was little doubt I would return to the walker and I really didn’t want to use an old lady cane (yes, I know I’m an old lady, but I don’t want to garnish myself as one), so I bought a rustic walking stick to help me stay mobile and not fall. I also bought some sturdy ‘recovery flip flops’ that were solid (see below).
I’m picking this up at 19 weeks post TLIF – life has busy but I’ve been able to keep up! God has healed me very quickly. I want to encourage folks, if the option of getting spine surgery scares you, I would encourage you to reconsider.
Here’s a few things that helped me:
Lots of rest.
Someone who can be there 24/7 at first.
There’s a special personal hygiene item that seriously help with toileting. On Amazon search for Fanwer Toilet Aids Tools,Long Reach Comfort Wipe,Extends Your Reach Over 15″ Grips Toilet Paper or Pre-Moistened Wipes.
4. These thick flip flops give stability to walking. https://a.co/d/hbkHQgJ shevalues Orthopedic Sandals for Women Arch Support Recovery Flip Flops Pillow Soft Summer Beach Shoe
5. This walking stick. Backyard Expressions 55 in Rustic Wood Walking Stick, Traditional Style Handle, for Men & Women, Trekking Pole, Hiking Pole, Walking Stick.
This stick was a neccisaty when I got rid of the walker, but I needed some support for stabilty but didn’t like the traditiaonl cane. Very affordable and helpful to regaind independence.
6. This cushion, I got it at costco for less than $50. When it came time to start sitting at my desk and working, my previous perfectly adequate office chair was not making sitting very comfortable. My hips would get stiff and achy within minutes. So, we bought this and it has made all the difference. Type S Smoothing Premium Comfort Memory Foam Seat Cushion – Ergonomic Back Pain Relief for Coccyx Tailbone Sciatica Back Pain Relief for Office Chairs
Finally, make sure to have in qeue your a book stack, maybe kindle stack, podcasts, tv shows, movies and new music playlists. It makes it easier to just dial in instead of having to research when you’re semi out of it. Also, I found some great bible studies to do…Awake by Prisciall Shrier, Adamant by Lisa Bevere, and the Devine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard, in additon to digging into my Life Application Study Bible which has a abundance of resources.
Keep praying..you’ll be up and about at no time.
Playlist suggestions : anything by Matthew West, Mercy Me and Forrest Frank.
Could be because I have no idea what I’m doing, and partly because the words don’t come or they come too fast, but I have really struggled to get this second podcast done. Let me just say life is chaotic right now. And, it has been for a few years. Instead of looking for a significant word that will define my year (Hope, Love, Yes) mine has been more of a theme. And, this last five years….”it is what it is.” Most times I can hear God’s voice in the chaos of life, but more often than not it’s the Enemy’s voice who comes first. I reckon it’s because his voice is accusing, lying, berating, quick and LOUD. In this in between world, that resonates most with me. Maybe you, too? I don’t understand it, but it is what it is.
I read once that the person you have the most conversation with on a daily basis is you. Constantly, throughout the day we’re feeding our selves information. It’s not neccesairly the truth either, could be true, could be lies. We are either openly or unknowingly listening to the enemy, who by the way, has only hated humans since they were created, first and If you’re like me, you have to STOP to hear the voice of God.
The voices battling for prominence during my day are: mine, God’s and Satan’s. There is a battle. (see Ephesians 6) But, we -God and I will win. To be able to move beyond lazy listening….there’s a process for me.
When I’m a lazy listener, I will remain, or maybe become , more defeated and depressed. The first ‘thing’ that comes into my head is what I go with. And, for whatever reason, it’s usually an unhealthy thing. Lazy listening brings with it a defeatist attitude that would be easy to sink into. Like a mud pit. The Bible challenges us in a few areas about listening – lazy or otherwise. (This is why it’s important for me to get back in the habit of memorizing scripture! So it’s in my heart and I don’t have to go to the phone or my bible). In Hebrews 4:12 it says, His powerful word is sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to LISTEN and OBEY.
If we are Jesus’s followers, we should have great hope that he himself has said, he is our shepherd and he KNOWS us, and we KNOW him and KNOW his voice. (John 10:27) At the end of this great promise from him he says, No one can steal them (his sheep – us) out of his hand! So, no matter how loud the enemy roars, no matter what he says, it has no other power than what we listeners give him.
Here’s what I’ve learned to listen to God:
Be quiet, be still, be intentional.Colossians 4:2 – Devote yourselves to prayer with an ALERT mind and a thankful heart. Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God. It’s going to take building not just on our faith, but our time.
Talk less. Proverbs 15:28 – The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking. Also, it’s hard to talk when you’re listening.
Be honest in your relationship with God. This is kind of a challenging one for me. In the book of John Jesus says he goes before his sheep and his sheep follow him, because he knows his sheep and they know his voice. (see John 10: 1-17) In verse 4 He says, After he has gathered his own flock, (talking about the shepherd who has collected his sheep from the protected group of sheep behind a gate) he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. They won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice.
Ask questions: one of the most challenging things for me is to move beyond religious speak and ask exaclty where I am in my relationship with Him. Is it close? Am I honest with Him? Have I asked Him to search me and show me my wrongs so I can be redeemed? Uh, usually the answer is no. My spiritual muscles of listening, learning, loving etc are getting stronger but I’m a long way from where I need to be. It’s painful to ask these questions, and to listen to the answers and to DO SOMETHING to change, but our beautiful God, who loves us so much, is mercifully grace filled when He answers. He promised He would never leave us or forsake us and in this promise, we can confidently go to Him with all our ickness and sin and questions.
In addition to these things, I would love to give some resources that have absolutely helped me in my journey on the other side of 60. (Landed on 61 this month!)
Daily Devotional: New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp.
Music: I listen to the Apple contemporary music playlist which is often updated. But, my favorites are Mercy Me, Big Daddy Weave and Crowder.
Podcasts: Y’all…this is an easy one: The Brant and Sherrie Oddcast. My number one podcast that I eagerly look forward to.
Ok. Hope I made sense. Y’all be blessed and thanks for listening.
Baldwin Acres 